For posterity, or simply for the reason that it is way past my bedtime and I want to place a mental bookmark on my evening’s surfing progress, I am saving about 100 links to adoption blogs mainly dealing with Bulgaria. I cannot believe I haven’t done this already, and I guess I just never realized how many are out there; I'll have to finish another day. Kind of scary, realizing how important it is to get the thoughts off of your chest so that you don’t implode and how many families out there are blogging about the process, the waiting… it was a good thing to see though, because I started to feel an urge to look for a country whose process may not take as long or maybe have more available children. What a selfish jerk I am! One of our next children is likely in Bulgaria, or will be once they are born. It constricts my heart painfully to think that they are there already, waiting… but God’s plan is perfect, and maybe we are not currently the family that this precious child needs, so we need to be open to His guidance and grace. He put Bulgaria in our hearts at the beginning of September, and I am amusedly content that His timing is not our own (as I should be)!
Then there is poor little Evelyn, who is already exacting her revenge on my innards for my looking beyond her to the next child. She is more than a cute nursery and little baby girl clothes to be washed and folded, and I know this, but maybe it is God’s way of redirecting my attention so that I do not succumb to the ever-lurking fear I am so prone to. My children need me to be more Christ-like, to give the sort of love that I seek from God… At this I fail daily in multiplicity. I need to be filled with grace, and not of myself. I need to do this work as unto my Lord. I will not give word to my doubts, they are not from the Lord and I will not type them here. I pray that I am the mother that my children need. They are the children whom God knew I needed.